I don't know why I'm doing this, but I guess I just wanted SOME form of an outlet. I first thought I'd make some silly video/vlog. Maybe track the month long progress leading up to the moment. I though if leaving hints and clue, possibly trying to make it more public and known to those few left that.... I'm nearing the end. I'm pretty content I think now with actually doing it. I've done the "6 months or else" before but I always knew when the cluck struck zero I'd just restart it then but.... Idk this time feels different. This time it feels.... Idk. I have the heaviest sickest feeling know almost a grim acceptence that if I can't figure it out this time I'm not trying anymore.
I guess I should explain somewhat, I've tried all the ways. I went to multiple therapists, I tried over 20 medications in the span of nearly 3 years. I've done a few psyches, maybe too much for a bit there, but at the very least LSD and MDMA made me feel more then anxiety, depression, and whatever the fuck this inner monologue of mine is. I tried to be the adult I'm expected to be and reach out for help. I reached out and opened up about my gender, even started seeking help. Despite not believing it I put up with the bipolar treatments for 6+ months. And now here I am..... It's Feb 3, I haven't been to work since August, that's when I had my last anxiety/PTSD/whatever you call it in a public setting, almost immediately making any chance of me leaving impossible it felt like. Ugh between the f