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Self defense. 
I am thinking a noise maker like a cap gun.
Replies: >>20039
Bit of background.

School teacher's wife has discussed violence against me in the privacy of her backyard, made up lies about me. Today, I was surrounded by teenagers in large vehicles while riding my bike. I am looking for something so ridiculous that a trained officer will recognize it as not real, but a young adult will think twice. I also want a holster, something uncomfortable so I will not want to wear it.
>>20009
Fed or not I'll say that assuming a cop will recognize a toy gun is not real, even in the best of circumstances is extremely risky. Even if it had a orange cap on it, most cops will react to the crowd freaking out and presume a real gun. Even if they shot you, and you survived, most courts will side with the cop if you'd so much as point or move in a way that implied violence with a gun.
Replies: >>20044
>>20009
Get something real and kys
>>20008 (OP) 
>>20009
I would suggest getting a good lawyer instead of trying to ghetto build a Scheintod. 
Also there seems to be a gap in your story there. Did this person's lies result in a protection order that wont allow you to purchase a real handgun? Are you in a place that won't allow you to get one regardless? Does the place not have strong self defense standards? Are you unable to buy pepper spray or a "traumatic firearm" or any other less than lethal self defense devices?
Replies: >>20044
>>20039
Pepper spray is a good idea.
>good lawyer
It was in the privacy of their backyard, I'm not trying to restart mccarthyism. If I thought taking them to the gun range was an option I would I assume it would achieve my goal. My goal being something akin to a pufferfish inflating.
>real handgun
I have a gun, do not want another one nor do I want to take it out
>won't allow you to get one
No. I do not carry a gun, been over a decade since i went to a range it is not safe for me to carry one, until i am confident in both the mechanics and myself.
>strong self defense standards
I do not know what they are and I am likely to overstep, I think getting to that point would mean I have missed many opportunities to deescalate, the intent of a noise maker is just that makes noise looks convincing similar to a butterfly mimicking the marking of a monarch.
>less than lethal self defense devices
Is a cap gun lethal? I might just get a holster and a wooden gun.

>>20031
hmmm is there anything ridiculously outdated it is not made anymore like a derringer, the lincoln model. A flare gun will fit in a holster, right? must be hard to mistake one of those?
Replies: >>20071
>>20044
Depending on where you live, there can be laws against brandishing with the intent to intimidate, real weapon or not. Depending on open carry and CCW laws, it could go against you to appear to have a loaded firearm and whether you were hiding it or keeping it in clear sight. A loaded flare gun can still pose a risk to hurt someone. The problem is that you want them to see it, but also want the police to not see it as a threat. All officers are only human, and there are far too many kids being shot with prop guns because the cops had mere seconds to make a call and chose to assume danger.
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