/hikki/ - Hikikomori

The modern hermit

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Just like the suicide thread in the previous board. Share any struggles you might have regarding suicide, any past failed attempts and/or why do you think suicide may be the answer to all this you're going through. 

I've been procrastinating/delaying my suicide plan for over 5 years now, partly because I'm scared of what comes after death as I cannot know for sure what will happen once I'm on the other side and this kind of scaring me and holding me back from killing myself. Maybe it's the survival instinct in the end? I attempted suicide for like 8 times in 3 years now and every-time I was saved by either a stranger or a family member and this didn't change my mindset or made me think less of it. The desire to eradicate this body, this existence is getting stronger day after day especially these days, but I'm still hesitating to actually go with it, as I still have somewhat of a brief feeling of hope that my ways might change in the future but then I rethink it and figure out that I'm in my early 20's now and still haven't done anything significant with my life, still trying to find a purpose, a motivation or maybe a dream to live for, meanwhile everyone my age around me is graduating college and passing through different phases with their lives, all while I'm still stuck in the no-purpose teenage-like kind of existentialism. It really gets very boring everyday and Idk what to do anymore.
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>>86 (OP) 
If you wanted to truly kill yourself, this thread would have never existed in the first place and you know it. Also no one truly knows what is on the other 'side' if there is any so fuck it do what you want,  end your life or not, doesn't matter in the end. I also don't think it does get better in a way, I am an ex-hikki and even after getting a job(LOL) it still sucks, workplace is high school 3.0, seriously what a fucking JOKE
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>any past failed attempts
I attempted to overdose on opioids a few years ago, I planned a day that I knew I would be the only person in the house. the day came and I did od However I was given Narcan in the back of an ambulance and warded. the only explanation I was ever given by my father for why he came home to check on me was because he felt like something was off. I haven't attempted since and I have completely lost interest in doing so after so many times I should have succeeded some freak occurrence got in my way.
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I had one failed attempt, I tried fucking suffocating myself like a retard I am, obviously didn't work
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>tried Suffocating myself
How? with a plastic bag? did you try hanging yourself?
Replies: >>158
yes something similiar to a plastic bag, kinda like 47 does it in hitman or in manhunt
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>kinda like 47 does it in hitman or in manhunt
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forgot to attach a file
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I'm guessing the bag had a hole in it? that fucking sucks man. I wouldn't recommend suffocation as a way to go either.
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>wanting to be alive
do you know what board your on?
is the old folks home high school 4.0?
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the cemetery is just high school 5.0, normalfag life is high school till the end and beyond
>Being a shut-in and being suicidal aren't the same thing, nor need it be that they go hand in hand
you're not wrong, I just found it a little funny
>Simply because one refuses to reduce oneself to the level of slavish drone doesn't imply that they're so fed up with the very idea of living
you can say that However If you where In his position would you be saying the same thing?
 i have all i need to do it. i'm just waiting for a time where i'll be alone for a few hours and then yeah

good luck guys
living in a faggot left-wing country means I can't find guns to kill myself and our copes are all pussies, I tried five years ago suicide by copes, the faggots acted like pussies, one let me hit him several times and I knocked another one on the ground, they needed eight cops to hold me, they didn't even use teasers on me.

I guess my only option is jump from a high place.
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their are tons of other options
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The problem with you people is that you are often shameful about what's going on, shameful about what you are, and your choices, don't be. Don't do the systems bidding by further dehumanizing yourselves for them just because you decide to essentially live monk lifestyles even just for a while, and be different by just not exposing yourselves the confines of our occupied, openly hostile ZOG governments that in addition to white genocide demand everyone to commit to a life of literal slavery and consumerism and their legions of simple "normal"(wagie, renting, losers) who by the generations have been working for less and less pay have accepted this pathetic fate as their lives. 

You are called as a group all sorts of things because the same society permits it, while putting others in jail for criticizing them, they call you as a hostile class simply because you have opted out, you have to understand that it's a threat to them, if everyone opted out the current sick society would be destroyed, that would be a great thing but not for them. The reality is that you have nothing to be ashamed of, in a way you should be proud for not taking part of this cancer.

This society does not want to incorporate you or be accepting of you so you should be accepting, innovative of your circumstance and defiant together of the sick society that has subjected you to this circumstance and has triggered your natural human response to it. It's the shortcomings of this thoroughly sick, hostile, one-way street, intolerable, dehumanizing, society and the terrible quality people that it has created that have made most of you this way, not the other way around. 

So it's really no wonder why things are the way there are. And you should not hold yourself to such a high standard in it at all, this society right now in it's current state is not for anyone, not for you, not for the wagie. And there is nothing wrong with holding them accountable and blaming the people that have created these social conditions, as long as you take adequate responsibility for yourself or make equal efforts to.
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Good point. I am not like that anymore, though. I realized that society is awful and that normalfags are awful, and that society's standards are not only arbitrary, but harmful, and that what I want not only has nothing at all do to with what society wants, but is in actual conflict with it. Everything that society praises is stupid, inefficient, generally harmful, boring, and a lot of the time actually disgusting. Not only am I different from them, the environment that they created is hostile to my very existence.

I also realized that there is no reason to be ashamed of being who I am because there is nothing wrong with it, and I should be transparent and honest because if other normalfags don't like who I am stay away from me, that is nothing but beneficial. It can only make my life easier and better and only people that do like me will remain. Of course, this hasn't been used in practice because I am still a hikki, but one day it will, if I manage to recover and actually do what I know I want to do. The difficult part is that I still have to deal with society a little bit if I want to get away from it. The world's current situation is making that very difficult, especially when I can see the shady and evil things that are going on, and refuse to go along with them.

Anyway, my goal is not to join society, because I know that it will never work, and that it's evil. Its goal is clearly enslavement, and I can see right through it. My goal is to get away from it, and to be independent from it. After years of isolation, I realized why I was never able to adapt and to fit in, what makes me different, how I have been wronged and how cancerous society actually is, and realized what I want and should do. Also what I have to do, because I can see how authoritarian the world has become, and can see that it will probably become much worse.

Oh, and the Unabomber was definitely correct about most of what he said. Technology can be very positive, but corporations and central authorities tend to always corrupt it. I grew up online, and in a way, the internet is my homeland. There was never a place or culture for me in the real world, but I had that online. Over time, I watched its corruption and destruction, and it was taken away from me. It was destroyed by reality, and then used to destroy reality itself. Now I have nothing and even the real world seems less hopeless than the internet. I wish I could at least have access to some of the nicer people that I talked to online in real life. That seems unlikely, but maybe it will occur as the world forces many of us to run away from society, and particularly from the oppression and chaos of urban life. I don't care about money, but in a way I wish I could care so I could use it to help people out. But that would require some compatibility with society, and I do not have that. Maybe at least some greed would help, but I don't have that either.
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I just can't fucking die. I have been depressed since childhood, tried to hang myself as a kid, failed. Tried carotid compression a couple of times about 5 years ago, failed. Tried to overdose on a drug earlier this year, failed. Just give me a fucking gun or take me to the rooftop of a very tall building. Just let me die already. I have lost the fear of death decades ago, I just need a surefire method. 
I know your pain, anon. Never tried suicide by cop, though. At least not yet.
Im not good at typing long messages. I wokeup this morning with this whole idea of writing out my life story. Explaining and justifying my need for this. But Honestly iv done it so many times to so many people it gets tiring.  Hearing the same things back over and over "you have your whole life ahead of you, theres so much you can do blalblalba"  Dont get me started on religious shit
Ill just say I grew up in abuse poverty gunshots and death. Mental Disabilities Adding up but no help. As a kid and worse so as an adult in my 30s
 My point is I am alone. I cant talk to anyone about this. the more I try to reach out the more i isolate myself from people. They dont want to talk about this type of thing, or they just spout out the list of things i should do (Ie. Get help, get a job at walmart meditate) to push it off of them.They try to change the subject or strait up ignore me. 
I just want legit adult conversations about depression where death is a legit option. Understanding the stuggles in life with out being patronized.  Its so hard to find a safe place to just chat about wanting to die with out being kicked trolled deleted or having to default to defending my decision. Its just ... Lonly. iv seen messgae boreds but because of trolling it takes forever to get scanned in. Idk if i want a chat room or what...I guess I just dont want to be alone with my thoughts, or when I decide to go
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>I grew up in abuse poverty gunshots and death. Mental Disabilities Adding up but no help. As a kid and worse so as an adult in my 30s
>My point is I am alone. I cant talk to anyone about this. the more I try to reach out the more i isolate myself from people. They dont want to talk about this type of thing.
>I just want legit adult conversations about depression where death is a legit option. Understanding the stuggles in life with out being patronized.  Its so hard to find a safe place to just chat about wanting to die with out being kicked trolled deleted or having to default to defending my decision. Its just ... Lonly.
I know how you feel because I'm not normal either, and I also grew up in a shitty violent place and went through a lot of abuse, without help from anyone. I'm e28e3f, but my ID probably changed by now. Since I don't have a suicide surefire suicide method on hands, I might as well chat with you here, you have my words that I will not patronize you, I hate people who downplay the suffering of others.
>Dont get me started on religious shit
>they just spout out the list of things i should do (Ie. Get help, get a job at walmart meditate) to push it off of them.
I'm religious too, and meditation isn't a fake advice, but its not a miracle cure that can solve all problems either. I can say this because I have tried it, and it works to a great extent, the key issue is that if you're really stuck in a shitty environment with absolutely no way out, it won't save you.
>I guess I just dont want to be alone with my thoughts, or when I decide to go
You're not completely lonely anymore, I'm here with you, even though my virtual presence really isn't much.
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I can second the recommendation of this link. The people there are a bit normalfaggy, at least for my standards, but they're good people.
>>363 holy shit. this is really beautiful. did you make this? if you have anything else like this i would absolutely love to see more
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The animation? It's umami on jewtube.
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I used to be suicidal. Life is suffering and that is an undeniable fact. Pain is the positive force of life and what we call happiness is the absence of pain - just like how what we call cold is the absence of heat. Happiness comes from the fulfillment of desires, but fulfilling desires takes effort, it's much easier to just remove the desires by ending your life, it ends the pain just as well if not better since when you satisfy your desires you are abandoned to boredom. Anyway, what made me not suicidal anymore was embracing the suffering of life. We are raised to idealize our future and our generation in particular feels entitled to a happy life. This is just a lie. Life has always been full of suffering. But without pain and suffering we would have nothing. Through art we can transmute suffering into beauty. Through pain and sacrifice we can make progress in a given field. Like a space monkey shot into space to advance our understanding of the universe. Space monkey. That's kind of how I think about myself now. I don't care about my own happiness at all and so I am no longer suicidal. I'm still depressed as fuck though but my rational intellect is so far removed from my sense of self I literally don't care. It's like when your playing a videogame and your character's stamina and health bar is real low - it's just information, it doesn't affect you. I don't know.
Suicide seems to be the only option at this point. I don't want to, and no-one would want to if their life was worth it, but mine isn't.
I'll see if anything changes in the next few years, since my mother is close to the end, but I doubt anything will save me.
gl to you all.
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I also plan to kill myself, good luck
I wander if living like this will decrease my lifespan drastically.
I don't go outside at all, and my skin is starting to peel and rash.
Hopefully the lack of sun will have worse consequences and decrease my life significantly - preferably a peaceful death in my 50's.
Combined with my lack of exercise and my negative personality - hopefully my body will just give up soon.
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i plan to kill myself with my boyfriend
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I'm also starting to really worry about the lack of sunlight thing, my mother commented on how horrible my skin looks last morning and I don't know what to do now. It makes me feel like an idiot just standing in my garden doing nothing just to stop my body from decaying. what kind of life is that? where you only go outside to fill some sunlight quota. fucking stupid, I wish I was dead.
I'm also about to end it. 
I wish you all good luck with your attempts, hoping you all will manage to get where you want to go.
Thanks for a good reading, guys.
>>86 (OP) 
I was looking for the /suicide/ board that used to be on 8ch but looks like there isn't one anymore. I don't know if any of you will be able to help me but I will ask anyway since I don't know any other place that comes this close to /suicide/ board.

I got me 300mg of Targin compresses and 320ml of morphine but I don't have a syringe. Do you think 300mg of Targin at once will be enough to knock me out and end me while I'm unconscious?
Is your boyfriend Mr. Hands?
>>86 (OP) 
Well, I have left my comfort zone for sometime, back in highschool I was very isolated /hikki/, I have had no friends, I was barely going to my lessons which was being given in some times of the week, and I wasn't even attending like a good boy, I was getting all the money I have to waste it on ciggaretes or just to smoke tobacco.
In reality, many habits, and many featuers of my personality have been decided, like me being angry most of the time and so frustrated from the whole situation I am living.
I am suffering from some diseases and which I can not get enough money to check myself for a doctor, I don't have any kind of courage to tell my parents to do anything for me, they too are suffering because they have aged.
After I stopped being hikki for sometime in my 1st year in collage, I tried to speak with people, and god, it feels so fucking stupid, it feels so goddamned idiocy.
I tried to get myself a job and I did, and it was considerd a success, but I wasn't feeling good at all, because the colleagues were so fucking edgy assholes, I just couldn't do anything, I have done nothing but to bring all of my social-awkwardness and to show it in front of the people there.
Things didn't change really.
Three months ago I have came to know that I have failed in my academic year for the 2nd time during my whole studying carrer. yet the only hope was that I prefect some skill of mine, I studied programming for some time, and I have been studying german and french.. yet I just can't feel anything, I stayed for like 3 continous months like I used to back in the days of the highschool, and I feel that everything was brought back to zero again.
as if I have never done even the smallest progress.
This irratiting life of mine, with all of it's secrets, with all of it's pain, I just can't stand it, I couldn't cry in the old days, now I cry, I thought that by crying I would at least unleash some of my pain.. it did, but it's still unbareable.
I feel that I became so near from something I wasn't willing even in my most desperate moments to do.
Anyways, I think everything was already concluded, but I was too slow, to realize (as I always were and still).
This feelings of imprisonment and encirclement which I feel, the feel for need, I hate the idea of showing myself to my mind as a victim, I really hate it, I don't want ever to be the victim, I don't want to cry myself just to the fact that things always goes this way.
But any human being has his limits, and I have reached mine in reality.
Things which I didn't start, I found other people ending, I never had the courage to start anything, this stance of ignoring as if nothing happens, I just can't stand this anymore.
The mere fact that these things just torture me for nothing, that despite all of the idiotic actions which I have committed against myself, I didn't do anything by god I swear, yet I find myself facing the canons myself, alone, as always.
What the fuck is life?
And why one should just keep thinking himself even if he has no hand in changing anything?
If one just feel that he's out of this whole world.
I am done.
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I can't attempt suicide anymore, because I'm christian.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm stuck in this "life". All I can do is to try to make it through the days, but I can't drink alcohol anymore, or sleep for long hours(sloth).
And absolutely nothing changes in my life, and I doubt any outside force is going to help me out.
I hope God returns this year, otherwise I'm going to become homeless.
>>86 (OP) 
I just had a dream that was just about demons harrassing people.
I'm guessing it's because I've been sinning lately.
Wish I could have happy dreams.
I wonder why god punishes people that HE is responsible for creating and attacking and causing to sin.
Sometimes I wonder about how society would react if people chose a single day to commit mass suicide on.  Out of protest, desperation, whatever.  How would govs react if--say--a million people an hero'd on the same day?
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<<CNN REPORTS: Suicide event linked to long Covid - Vaccines most effective in prevention
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easy, you will not heard a word about it.
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Oddly quick to reply to this one, but nothing else on this board.
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Blame the overboard. I though the thread was from /b/ and wanted to shitpost
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That explains a lot of my interactions in the lesser boards.
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This is one of those cases in statistics where articles have headlines like
>32% increase in suicide from 1999 levels
When in absolute terms it means fuck all.
I need to do great things in my life. I need to suffer. I watch all these animes with main characters doing monumental things in their lives, achieving great success, and suffering heavy failures, yet here I am, half-assing everything. I want to be like them; I want to suffer like them. I want to get my dick wet on a regular basis. From today onward, that will be my goal. I will study and absorb like a sponge. I will wake up at 5 AM and run. I will read my books, play my video games, and read my manga. I will learn my instruments, and I will learn coding until my eyes bleed. I will be the greatest hacker known to man. I'm not a genius, but I have the heart to do so.  Hikki are the ones with strongest motivation, since we are so fed up with the state of our lives. Nothing is more disgusting and painful than the guilt of a neet.
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