/hikki/ - Hikikomori

The modern hermit


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Just like the suicide thread in the previous board. Share any struggles you might have regarding suicide, any past failed attempts and/or why do you think suicide may be the answer to all this you're going through. 

I've been procrastinating/delaying my suicide plan for over 5 years now, partly because I'm scared of what comes after death as I cannot know for sure what will happen once I'm on the other side and this kind of scaring me and holding me back from killing myself. Maybe it's the survival instinct in the end? I attempted suicide for like 8 times in 3 years now and every-time I was saved by either a stranger or a family member and this didn't change my mindset or made me think less of it. The desire to eradicate this body, this existence is getting stronger day after day especially these days, but I'm still hesitating to actually go with it, as I still have somewhat of a brief feeling of hope that my ways might change in the future but then I rethink it and figure out that I'm in my early 20's now and still haven't done anything significant with my life, still trying to find a purpose, a motivation or maybe a dream to live for, meanwhile everyone my age around me is graduating college and passing through different phases with their lives, all while I'm still stuck in the no-purpose teenage-like kind of existentialism. It really gets very boring everyday and Idk what to do anymore.
Replies: >>143
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>>86 (OP) 
If you wanted to truly kill yourself, this thread would have never existed in the first place and you know it. Also no one truly knows what is on the other 'side' if there is any so fuck it do what you want,  end your life or not, doesn't matter in the end. I also don't think it does get better in a way, I am an ex-hikki and even after getting a job(LOL) it still sucks, workplace is high school 3.0, seriously what a fucking JOKE
Replies: >>165
>>144
uni/college
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>any past failed attempts
I attempted to overdose on opioids a few years ago, I planned a day that I knew I would be the only person in the house. the day came and I did od However I was given Narcan in the back of an ambulance and warded. the only explanation I was ever given by my father for why he came home to check on me was because he felt like something was off. I haven't attempted since and I have completely lost interest in doing so after so many times I should have succeeded some freak occurrence got in my way.
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I had one failed attempt, I tried fucking suffocating myself like a retard I am, obviously didn't work
Replies: >>157
>>156
>tried Suffocating myself
How? with a plastic bag? did you try hanging yourself?
Replies: >>158
>>157
yes something similiar to a plastic bag, kinda like 47 does it in hitman or in manhunt
Replies: >>159
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>>158
>kinda like 47 does it in hitman or in manhunt
Replies: >>160 >>161
>>159
Replies: >>162
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>>159
Replies: >>162
>>160
>>161
I'm guessing the bag had a hole in it? that fucking sucks man. I wouldn't recommend suffocation as a way to go either.
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>>163
>wanting to be alive
do you know what board your on?
>>143
is the old folks home high school 4.0?
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>>165
Replies: >>167
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>>166
the cemetery is just high school 5.0, normalfag life is high school till the end and beyond
>>168
>Being a shut-in and being suicidal aren't the same thing, nor need it be that they go hand in hand
you're not wrong, I just found it a little funny
>Simply because one refuses to reduce oneself to the level of slavish drone doesn't imply that they're so fed up with the very idea of living
you can say that However If you where In his position would you be saying the same thing?
 i have all i need to do it. i'm just waiting for a time where i'll be alone for a few hours and then yeah

good luck guys
living in a faggot left-wing country means I can't find guns to kill myself and our copes are all pussies, I tried five years ago suicide by copes, the faggots acted like pussies, one let me hit him several times and I knocked another one on the ground, they needed eight cops to hold me, they didn't even use teasers on me.

I guess my only option is jump from a high place.
Replies: >>227 >>332
>>212
their are tons of other options
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The problem with you people is that you are often shameful about what's going on, shameful about what you are, and your choices, don't be. Don't do the systems bidding by further dehumanizing yourselves for them just because you decide to essentially live monk lifestyles even just for a while, and be different by just not exposing yourselves the confines of our occupied, openly hostile ZOG governments that in addition to white genocide demand everyone to commit to a life of literal slavery and consumerism and their legions of simple "normal"(wagie, renting, losers) who by the generations have been working for less and less pay have accepted this pathetic fate as their lives. 

You are called as a group all sorts of things because the same society permits it, while putting others in jail for criticizing them, they call you as a hostile class simply because you have opted out, you have to understand that it's a threat to them, if everyone opted out the current sick society would be destroyed, that would be a great thing but not for them. The reality is that you have nothing to be ashamed of, in a way you should be proud for not taking part of this cancer.

This society does not want to incorporate you or be accepting of you so you should be accepting, innovative of your circumstance and defiant together of the sick society that has subjected you to this circumstance and has triggered your natural human response to it. It's the shortcomings of this thoroughly sick, hostile, one-way street, intolerable, dehumanizing, society and the terrible quality people that it has created that have made most of you this way, not the other way around. 

So it's really no wonder why things are the way there are. And you should not hold yourself to such a high standard in it at all, this society right now in it's current state is not for anyone, not for you, not for the wagie. And there is nothing wrong with holding them accountable and blaming the people that have created these social conditions, as long as you take adequate responsibility for yourself or make equal efforts to.
Replies: >>283
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>>281
Good point. I am not like that anymore, though. I realized that society is awful and that normalfags are awful, and that society's standards are not only arbitrary, but harmful, and that what I want not only has nothing at all do to with what society wants, but is in actual conflict with it. Everything that society praises is stupid, inefficient, generally harmful, boring, and a lot of the time actually disgusting. Not only am I different from them, the environment that they created is hostile to my very existence.

I also realized that there is no reason to be ashamed of being who I am because there is nothing wrong with it, and I should be transparent and honest because if other normalfags don't like who I am stay away from me, that is nothing but beneficial. It can only make my life easier and better and only people that do like me will remain. Of course, this hasn't been used in practice because I am still a hikki, but one day it will, if I manage to recover and actually do what I know I want to do. The difficult part is that I still have to deal with society a little bit if I want to get away from it. The world's current situation is making that very difficult, especially when I can see the shady and evil things that are going on, and refuse to go along with them.

Anyway, my goal is not to join society, because I know that it will never work, and that it's evil. Its goal is clearly enslavement, and I can see right through it. My goal is to get away from it, and to be independent from it. After years of isolation, I realized why I was never able to adapt and to fit in, what makes me different, how I have been wronged and how cancerous society actually is, and realized what I want and should do. Also what I have to do, because I can see how authoritarian the world has become, and can see that it will probably become much worse.

Oh, and the Unabomber was definitely correct about most of what he said. Technology can be very positive, but corporations and central authorities tend to always corrupt it. I grew up online, and in a way, the internet is my homeland. There was never a place or culture for me in the real world, but I had that online. Over time, I watched its corruption and destruction, and it was taken away from me. It was destroyed by reality, and then used to destroy reality itself. Now I have nothing and even the real world seems less hopeless than the internet. I wish I could at least have access to some of the nicer people that I talked to online in real life. That seems unlikely, but maybe it will occur as the world forces many of us to run away from society, and particularly from the oppression and chaos of urban life. I don't care about money, but in a way I wish I could care so I could use it to help people out. But that would require some compatibility with society, and I do not have that. Maybe at least some greed would help, but I don't have that either.
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I just can't fucking die. I have been depressed since childhood, tried to hang myself as a kid, failed. Tried carotid compression a couple of times about 5 years ago, failed. Tried to overdose on a drug earlier this year, failed. Just give me a fucking gun or take me to the rooftop of a very tall building. Just let me die already. I have lost the fear of death decades ago, I just need a surefire method. 
>>212
I know your pain, anon. Never tried suicide by cop, though. At least not yet.
Im not good at typing long messages. I wokeup this morning with this whole idea of writing out my life story. Explaining and justifying my need for this. But Honestly iv done it so many times to so many people it gets tiring.  Hearing the same things back over and over "you have your whole life ahead of you, theres so much you can do blalblalba"  Dont get me started on religious shit
Ill just say I grew up in abuse poverty gunshots and death. Mental Disabilities Adding up but no help. As a kid and worse so as an adult in my 30s
 My point is I am alone. I cant talk to anyone about this. the more I try to reach out the more i isolate myself from people. They dont want to talk about this type of thing, or they just spout out the list of things i should do (Ie. Get help, get a job at walmart meditate) to push it off of them.They try to change the subject or strait up ignore me. 
I just want legit adult conversations about depression where death is a legit option. Understanding the stuggles in life with out being patronized.  Its so hard to find a safe place to just chat about wanting to die with out being kicked trolled deleted or having to default to defending my decision. Its just ... Lonly. iv seen messgae boreds but because of trolling it takes forever to get scanned in. Idk if i want a chat room or what...I guess I just dont want to be alone with my thoughts, or when I decide to go
Replies: >>363 >>364
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>>362
>I grew up in abuse poverty gunshots and death. Mental Disabilities Adding up but no help. As a kid and worse so as an adult in my 30s
>My point is I am alone. I cant talk to anyone about this. the more I try to reach out the more i isolate myself from people. They dont want to talk about this type of thing.
>I just want legit adult conversations about depression where death is a legit option. Understanding the stuggles in life with out being patronized.  Its so hard to find a safe place to just chat about wanting to die with out being kicked trolled deleted or having to default to defending my decision. Its just ... Lonly.
I know how you feel because I'm not normal either, and I also grew up in a shitty violent place and went through a lot of abuse, without help from anyone. I'm e28e3f, but my ID probably changed by now. Since I don't have a suicide surefire suicide method on hands, I might as well chat with you here, you have my words that I will not patronize you, I hate people who downplay the suffering of others.
>Dont get me started on religious shit
>they just spout out the list of things i should do (Ie. Get help, get a job at walmart meditate) to push it off of them.
I'm religious too, and meditation isn't a fake advice, but its not a miracle cure that can solve all problems either. I can say this because I have tried it, and it works to a great extent, the key issue is that if you're really stuck in a shitty environment with absolutely no way out, it won't save you.
>I guess I just dont want to be alone with my thoughts, or when I decide to go
You're not completely lonely anymore, I'm here with you, even though my virtual presence really isn't much.
>>362
https://sanctioned-suicide.org/
Replies: >>365
>>364
I can second the recommendation of this link. The people there are a bit normalfaggy, at least for my standards, but they're good people.
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