>>194593 (OP)
I say that i want to redo my life (go back in time, return to babby, etc.), and they say something trite like "yeah, everyone wishes that".
Bitch, there's a big diffeence between me and them, i actually do extensive internet research and pour over all the scientific literature that I can find on finding a way to make these wishes come true.
When it comes to theoretical physics or biological senescence I am a veritible autodidactic expert because I dont just have a wistful bout of nostalgia once in a while.
I need these things to be possible for me in order to hopefully feel okay with living one day, these far off ambitions are literally one of the mental pillars that keep me from ending it all.
My whole life is FUBAR and I'm already so old that ive already missed out on enjoying possibly all of what should have been my best years.
I am not wanting to simply have the same experiences as before, i did not have a past with anything i could remember in it that brought me joy.
Just a lot of bad experinces. An otherwise empty life of wasted years filled with regrets, guilt, shame, anger, and sadness.
Nothing good that the future could "realistically" promise to me could possibly make up for what ive gone through and missed out on.
In the future that I'm the most ok with, the kind I'm hoping against reasonability for, I get a second chance, I seriously need to go back in time and undo the shittiness of my past.