Ever since I last posted I had some time to reflect and I think I've come up with a bit of an anticlimactic yet somewhat cathartic "answer" to a question that I never really asked myself. I've been thinking a lot about the circles I've hung around, and all the so called "friends" I've had over the years and how they all, without exceptions, behaved the same way towards me. How I've experienced the same feelings of abandonment and rejection from all, time and time again. And I think I finally got it. Or rather, I'd already figured out part of it before, I just never really realized it in full.
The answer to "why am I alone even when I know a bunch of people, why does nobody seem to give a shit at all?" probably lies in the fact I'm largely incompatible with 100% of the people I surrounded myself with. Maybe I just happened to meet and befriend a bunch of detached autists with extremely low emotional intelligence or whatever the trendy term is for being a nigger with interpersonal relationships. And just so we're clear, I don't claim to be some kind of social butterfly super extroverted type, but both god and I know I really tried my best and with genuine intent and effort, but with questionable results, if any.
And that's likely the whole story. Again, to know that maybe, in a vacuum, there isn't anything inherently wrong with me or with my friends is reassuring in a way, but still disappointing. It's like you've been tending to this field with love and care for years, patiently waiting every season to harvest the fruits of your hard work but they never come and you just go hungry and cold every winter wondering if maybe you're just a piece of shit farmer who doesn't deserve any crops. Until, one day, you realize you've been trying to grow in the wrong type of soil all along, and it only took you several years to figure it out, stupid retard.
I must say that ever since I completely crashed out 2 weeks ago, I do feel better, especially after my latest epiphany. I've kind of reluctantly accepted the fact that, indeed, I am alone, but now I am more disillusioned and annoyed and less wounded by it. So yeah, the catharsis comes in the removal of the the endless self-interrogation, the disappointment with the realization I may have spent years of my life putting effort into places where the return was always going to be limited.
>tl;dr is: all my friends are people whom I'd shared some interests with but never ever, ever, not in a million years, connected with on a personal and emotional level because we were always fundamentally different and I'm kinda ok with this. Either that or as I already said, maybe I am just that unlikable so people avoid me like the plague, that's still within the realm of more bitter possibilities.
I have nothing else to add, thanks for coming to my blog.
>>327362
No, it wasn't Foxhole so maybe I am a schizo after all. As for the rest of what you've said I've already typed out an essay, I don't have the energy needed for serious reply, but that's ok because I'm mostly not flipping as much anymore, I'll probably just end up going with what >>327010 said, disappear and make new friends, maybe. I think part of my loneliness is starting to hatch into resentment.